I don't know why I have to be reminded of this all the time! I have seen it in action plenty! So why, when things get tough, do I forget that and slack off on paying my tithing?
I have been waiting for my tax credit for buying my house since April. I needed it to come so badly. I started getting behind on things, so I thought I would not pay my tithing until it came, and catch it up then.
So, it's been about a month, and I start thinking I better pay something. On Sunday, I gave the bishop a check for half of what I owe.
Guess what is in the mailbox first thing Monday morning? The check from the IRS.
EVERY SINGLE TIME!! You think I would learn. Pay your tithing, and the Lord WILL look out for you. No matter what. I pray to be able to remember this and not have to stress about it again.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Breaking Heart
Dessa has been a real struggle for me lately. She recently got caught looking at some very bad pornographic websites. The sites she was looking at (for over an hour) were ones that her therapist has been told by porn addicts are some of the worst ones out there. Most of them were gays having sex, or things along that line.
So we are working on it in counseling. The disturbing thing is, I have a really bad feeling that she will end up choosing that kind of lifestyle. Last week, I caught her several times choosing episodes of House that specifically had to do with gays and/or sex. Years ago she was caught kissing Guilee, several times. She said the reason she started looking at the porn was because she saved a newspaper article at school last year about someone fighting for gay rights.
Knowing Dessa, and knowing how she acts already, I can just feel that she is going to break my heart. And I think someone is preparing me for it. I get daily little tidbits called "gems" from the LDS website. A good number of them the last few weeks have been talking about not giving up on children who have strayed, and topics along that line.
I can't help but worry about how far my little one will stray...while praying she won't.
So we are working on it in counseling. The disturbing thing is, I have a really bad feeling that she will end up choosing that kind of lifestyle. Last week, I caught her several times choosing episodes of House that specifically had to do with gays and/or sex. Years ago she was caught kissing Guilee, several times. She said the reason she started looking at the porn was because she saved a newspaper article at school last year about someone fighting for gay rights.
Knowing Dessa, and knowing how she acts already, I can just feel that she is going to break my heart. And I think someone is preparing me for it. I get daily little tidbits called "gems" from the LDS website. A good number of them the last few weeks have been talking about not giving up on children who have strayed, and topics along that line.
I can't help but worry about how far my little one will stray...while praying she won't.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Problem Child
I have known for some time that Dessa is going to be my problem child. I am just getting tired of something new whenever I turn around.
Mom caught her on an inappropriate website last week and had Dad check out the history, afraid she had been on other sites. Well, he called last night and it is worse than I thought.
Granted, it was only one day, for about an hour, that she was looking at this stuff. But from what Dad said, it was pretty hard core sex stuff. I'm pretty sure she probably stumbled on it by mistake. What's disturbing is that she kept looking at the stuff and so more stuff kept popping up.
When I asked her about it this morning, she said she can't remember any of it. That is her excuse every time she is in trouble. I hate to not believe her, but really, I don't. How can she not remember something like that? I don't want to push it, but I will be talking to her counselor about it. I am also going to be going through every movie we have and if I think it is the least bit problematic, it will be gone.
Mom caught her on an inappropriate website last week and had Dad check out the history, afraid she had been on other sites. Well, he called last night and it is worse than I thought.
Granted, it was only one day, for about an hour, that she was looking at this stuff. But from what Dad said, it was pretty hard core sex stuff. I'm pretty sure she probably stumbled on it by mistake. What's disturbing is that she kept looking at the stuff and so more stuff kept popping up.
When I asked her about it this morning, she said she can't remember any of it. That is her excuse every time she is in trouble. I hate to not believe her, but really, I don't. How can she not remember something like that? I don't want to push it, but I will be talking to her counselor about it. I am also going to be going through every movie we have and if I think it is the least bit problematic, it will be gone.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Forceful Dreams
A little background...next to my bed sits a garbage can. On top of that garbage can is a box that acts as a sort of night stand. When I went to bed last night, it had a box of tissues with the book The Work and the Glory #2 sitting on it and a few pieces of a large chocolate candy bar on top of the book, 2 cups of water (one for last night and the one from the night before), an empty cup, my tv remote, my glasses, and some miscellaneous trash (ok, it's stupid, but I don't have a trash bag in the can at the moment, so the empty wrappers and such sit on the box waiting for me to get one). Oh, and my phone is there also.
I am dreaming last night, and in my dream, I go to push someone down as they are leaning over. I sort of fall with them.
I then wake up with my hands against the box, and water spilling all over. It takes me a little bit to realize what the dripping sound is. Then I see that the tissue box, book, and chocolate have landed in the box of shoes on the other side of the garbage can. That box is now filling with water and the tissues and book are getting soaked. In my weird state of mind, I grope around for the 4 pieces of chocolate that I can see are at the very bottom of the box. Funny how that is what I think to save.
I put a piece of the slightly damp chocolate in my mouth, then look and see if I can find my phone and glasses. I find the phone and the remote on the floor, a little wet but not too bad. I grope around for the glasses and can't find them, so I flop on the bed in despair. I must go turn on the light.
So, I stumble to the light switch across the room. I find my glasses under the bed and put them back on the box. I see that the two cups are laying on their side, with all the water either soaking into the lid of the box or falling off the sides. I can still hear some dripping into the can.
I briefly think about cleaning it all up. Then I reconsider, turn off the light, and snuggle back under my blanket. I go back to sleep and have more equally strange dreams and wake up completely exhausted.
I will have to put that garbage can liner in today, after I dry out the can.
I am dreaming last night, and in my dream, I go to push someone down as they are leaning over. I sort of fall with them.
I then wake up with my hands against the box, and water spilling all over. It takes me a little bit to realize what the dripping sound is. Then I see that the tissue box, book, and chocolate have landed in the box of shoes on the other side of the garbage can. That box is now filling with water and the tissues and book are getting soaked. In my weird state of mind, I grope around for the 4 pieces of chocolate that I can see are at the very bottom of the box. Funny how that is what I think to save.
I put a piece of the slightly damp chocolate in my mouth, then look and see if I can find my phone and glasses. I find the phone and the remote on the floor, a little wet but not too bad. I grope around for the glasses and can't find them, so I flop on the bed in despair. I must go turn on the light.
So, I stumble to the light switch across the room. I find my glasses under the bed and put them back on the box. I see that the two cups are laying on their side, with all the water either soaking into the lid of the box or falling off the sides. I can still hear some dripping into the can.
I briefly think about cleaning it all up. Then I reconsider, turn off the light, and snuggle back under my blanket. I go back to sleep and have more equally strange dreams and wake up completely exhausted.
I will have to put that garbage can liner in today, after I dry out the can.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Auditors
I have been working this past week on getting information together to make sure the coming audit would go smoothly. I have laughed at how stressed one of my managers is acting, thinking it is no big deal.
Well, Mr. Auditor just came and asked me about the lease files. Ummm...Ok. I should know what is in there, where it goes, why it is there, and what exactly goes in there. However, I was not able to answer most of his questions. I told him what I have done with the files since I have been here, but the file in question is for a large corporation that I have no problems with, so I have not even touched the file.
Now the heartburn is kicking in. Why would I be nervous about this? Big deal. I am just afraid of what he will or won't find and that I am responsible. Hope it comes out ok. It is a very stressful thing to make sure everything is in perfect order.
Well, Mr. Auditor just came and asked me about the lease files. Ummm...Ok. I should know what is in there, where it goes, why it is there, and what exactly goes in there. However, I was not able to answer most of his questions. I told him what I have done with the files since I have been here, but the file in question is for a large corporation that I have no problems with, so I have not even touched the file.
Now the heartburn is kicking in. Why would I be nervous about this? Big deal. I am just afraid of what he will or won't find and that I am responsible. Hope it comes out ok. It is a very stressful thing to make sure everything is in perfect order.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Urges
Maybe I am insane. A little weird for sure.
Every time I walk by a fire alarm pull station, I get the urge to pull it and run. How bizarre is that? I have to walk by 3 of them to get to and from my car every day at work, and each time I think it would be fun to pull them.
Of course, I can't run that fast, so that wouldn't work. And most of them are monitered by cameras, so that would be bad.
I wonder, if I knew I wouldn't be caught, would I really do it? The temptation is strong.
Every time I walk by a fire alarm pull station, I get the urge to pull it and run. How bizarre is that? I have to walk by 3 of them to get to and from my car every day at work, and each time I think it would be fun to pull them.
Of course, I can't run that fast, so that wouldn't work. And most of them are monitered by cameras, so that would be bad.
I wonder, if I knew I wouldn't be caught, would I really do it? The temptation is strong.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Never a dull moment
I used to complain that my life was boring. Not lately. In fact, I am wishing for some boringness right about now.
In the past few weeks, I have had 2 ex-grandparent-in-laws pass away, a new nephew born in another state, my parents leave to visit nephew leaving me without childcare, my children's uncle arrested on the first day with alternate childcare, my parents come home with the news that mom was having a medical problem that would require surgery, news that my children's father would be leaving the next day for Louisiana for a minimum of 3 months but most likely a year or more, along with being very busy at work and helping to renovate/decorate my new house. Did I forget anything?
Oh, I can add in the side dramas, such as a pregnant ex-sister in law, another pregnant ex-sister in law who is ready to deliver any moment - hopefully while her deployed husband is home on leave for the next two weeks, an ex-brother in law getting divorced and his new relationship issues, the arrested ex-brother in law is most likely getting deployed - not to mention his pregnant wife and all of their issues, my kids ending the school year and scrambling to work out summer child care, waiting for my tax incentive to come so I can really fix some things in the new house, getting acquainted with our new ward/neighborhood, getting the kids registered into their new schools, and doing all this with an almost constant headache.
And my schedule for the next few weeks looks like this: tomorrow I am assisting at our company's golf tournament from 5 a.m. to around 8 p.m.ish, I am supposed to go to my sister's opening night of Annie tomorrow night if I get home in time, same sister and her husband are going through the temple on Saturday, mom's surgery on Monday as well as the girls' counseling sessions, a Relief Society picnic on Tuesday where I am expected to teach them to make a fruit wrap I have never myself made, a work party on Friday that I have to attend because one of my bosses is helping with it, Annee is helping at a friend's daughter's wedding on Sat the 12th, Jessica and Wil getting sealed on the 19th, and...I can't remember, but I know there is something else coming up.
I want to stop the world and get off...for a month or so would be great!
In the past few weeks, I have had 2 ex-grandparent-in-laws pass away, a new nephew born in another state, my parents leave to visit nephew leaving me without childcare, my children's uncle arrested on the first day with alternate childcare, my parents come home with the news that mom was having a medical problem that would require surgery, news that my children's father would be leaving the next day for Louisiana for a minimum of 3 months but most likely a year or more, along with being very busy at work and helping to renovate/decorate my new house. Did I forget anything?
Oh, I can add in the side dramas, such as a pregnant ex-sister in law, another pregnant ex-sister in law who is ready to deliver any moment - hopefully while her deployed husband is home on leave for the next two weeks, an ex-brother in law getting divorced and his new relationship issues, the arrested ex-brother in law is most likely getting deployed - not to mention his pregnant wife and all of their issues, my kids ending the school year and scrambling to work out summer child care, waiting for my tax incentive to come so I can really fix some things in the new house, getting acquainted with our new ward/neighborhood, getting the kids registered into their new schools, and doing all this with an almost constant headache.
And my schedule for the next few weeks looks like this: tomorrow I am assisting at our company's golf tournament from 5 a.m. to around 8 p.m.ish, I am supposed to go to my sister's opening night of Annie tomorrow night if I get home in time, same sister and her husband are going through the temple on Saturday, mom's surgery on Monday as well as the girls' counseling sessions, a Relief Society picnic on Tuesday where I am expected to teach them to make a fruit wrap I have never myself made, a work party on Friday that I have to attend because one of my bosses is helping with it, Annee is helping at a friend's daughter's wedding on Sat the 12th, Jessica and Wil getting sealed on the 19th, and...I can't remember, but I know there is something else coming up.
I want to stop the world and get off...for a month or so would be great!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Longest month ever
I will not be sad to see May end this year. So much has happened this month! Since the funerals on Friday, we woke up on Monday to hear that Stephanie had gone into labor, one month early. Mom and Dad rushed to get things together and leave for Illinois. I scrambled to get alternate care for my kids after school. I decided to let the Smith's take a chance at it.
I got off early on Monday though, so I took care of them Monday. On Tuesday, I get to the Smith house to pick up the kids. Long story that I won't go into, but it involves 7 cop cars, 1 ambulance, and the kids' uncle Scott getting arrested. Now, Annee is afraid he is going to hurt somebody, possibly Ambrosia, his baby girl, because she saw him clutching her and screaming he was taking his baby and leaving. Dessa found a pocket knife in Scott and Stephanie's bedroom and is now afraid when he comes home he will use anything to hurt himself or others. (The reason the police were called was because Scott was brandishing his hunting knife, threatening to hurt himself so Cynthia called the cops.)
I asked Cynthia to just drop my kids off at home yesterday (Wednesday) after school, because I was told that Scott could come home after 24 hours. Well, come to find out, they are charging him with a whole slew of things and set bail at $8,000. No one has that kind of money, so he is stuck in jail for now.
This isn't good for my kids either. Now they are more worried about him and wondering how long he can stay in jail. It is such a mess. Tyler hasn't said a word about it, and it frightens me. He never says much of anything and I am so afraid he is holding everything in and will one day explode from all the stress.
Needless to say, I told mom on Tuesday night that she is never allowed to leave town again. Ever. My kids need her too much. I will take her "boring" house over the alternative any day!
To top all this off, I have not been sleeping well at all and have a CONSTANT headache for the past week. I have had it with May. I want to take Cassandra's suggestion and just sleep the rest of the month and pray June is better for all of us.
I got off early on Monday though, so I took care of them Monday. On Tuesday, I get to the Smith house to pick up the kids. Long story that I won't go into, but it involves 7 cop cars, 1 ambulance, and the kids' uncle Scott getting arrested. Now, Annee is afraid he is going to hurt somebody, possibly Ambrosia, his baby girl, because she saw him clutching her and screaming he was taking his baby and leaving. Dessa found a pocket knife in Scott and Stephanie's bedroom and is now afraid when he comes home he will use anything to hurt himself or others. (The reason the police were called was because Scott was brandishing his hunting knife, threatening to hurt himself so Cynthia called the cops.)
I asked Cynthia to just drop my kids off at home yesterday (Wednesday) after school, because I was told that Scott could come home after 24 hours. Well, come to find out, they are charging him with a whole slew of things and set bail at $8,000. No one has that kind of money, so he is stuck in jail for now.
This isn't good for my kids either. Now they are more worried about him and wondering how long he can stay in jail. It is such a mess. Tyler hasn't said a word about it, and it frightens me. He never says much of anything and I am so afraid he is holding everything in and will one day explode from all the stress.
Needless to say, I told mom on Tuesday night that she is never allowed to leave town again. Ever. My kids need her too much. I will take her "boring" house over the alternative any day!
To top all this off, I have not been sleeping well at all and have a CONSTANT headache for the past week. I have had it with May. I want to take Cassandra's suggestion and just sleep the rest of the month and pray June is better for all of us.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The passing of an ex-grandmother-in-law
The funeral on Friday ended up being a double funeral. It was totally shocking.
I arrived at the Smith house at around 8:30ish on Friday. Randy was on the couch, having just got home from work. Annee and I sat down and asked where everyone was. Randy said they were making the arrangements to postpone the funeral. I asked why and he said Grandma had passed away that morning.
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Come to find out, that story I told in my last post about grandma visiting grandpa? Well, the staff at the care center were instructed to NOT let grandma see him. I guess after she did, she just shut down. She stopped eating, stopped responding to anybody, everything. Then, shortly before grandpa passed away, she had a stroke. She didn't wake up.
Grandma died almost 48 hours to the minute after Grandpa did.
In a way, it was a good thing. I am grateful that they are both together and not suffering any more. More than that though, I am grateful mom doesn't have to go through this a second time. This was hard enough for all of us, her especially. I think another week like this last one would have been too much for her.
So, we had a service for both of them on Friday at 3:00 p.m. It was amazing they were able to get everything ready that fast. There was a lot of drama during and afterward, but it is over now, and both Grandpa and Grandma can rest in peace now.
I arrived at the Smith house at around 8:30ish on Friday. Randy was on the couch, having just got home from work. Annee and I sat down and asked where everyone was. Randy said they were making the arrangements to postpone the funeral. I asked why and he said Grandma had passed away that morning.
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Come to find out, that story I told in my last post about grandma visiting grandpa? Well, the staff at the care center were instructed to NOT let grandma see him. I guess after she did, she just shut down. She stopped eating, stopped responding to anybody, everything. Then, shortly before grandpa passed away, she had a stroke. She didn't wake up.
Grandma died almost 48 hours to the minute after Grandpa did.
In a way, it was a good thing. I am grateful that they are both together and not suffering any more. More than that though, I am grateful mom doesn't have to go through this a second time. This was hard enough for all of us, her especially. I think another week like this last one would have been too much for her.
So, we had a service for both of them on Friday at 3:00 p.m. It was amazing they were able to get everything ready that fast. There was a lot of drama during and afterward, but it is over now, and both Grandpa and Grandma can rest in peace now.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Passing of an ex-Grandfather-in-law
The complications never end when you are dealing with divorce. This week, it is about the passing of my ex-husband's mother's father.
Grandpa Liddell was a great man. He was so kind and loving, generous to a fault. He cared deeply for his family and they cared for him.
I found out last Tuesday that he had suffered a stroke and probably wouldn't wake from it, and if he did, he wouldn't be the same. The doctors gave him a few days at most.
On Wednesday, I got a text that he was awake and doing well, even eating lunch. They had transferred him to the care center where Grandma Liddell is staying because of her Alzheimer's. So it looked good again. (Just a little side story: I'm not sure what day it was, but Grandma had been asking for him, so they took her to his room. She was upset that they hadn't taken her to her husband, saying they had taken her to some "old man's" room, that her husband was young and strong. It is really sad how the mind can deteriorate so drastically.)
Friday, Cynthia asked if she could come out on Sunday to do more work on the house. She told me at that time that she didn't want to get into anything big because her dad could go at any time. She let me know he had another stroke and was in a coma again. He refused any life saving techniques, and the doctors gave him hours-days to live.
Yesterday, Wednesday the 19th, I took a second to check facebook during lunch at work. I see a message from Devin saying RIP Grandpa. I texted Amanda asking about it and she let me know he had passed the previous night. Mom didn't want to tell me until after work so I wouldn't be upset at work. Lousy facebook anyway.
I get another text from Amanda later in the afternoon letting me know the funeral will be Friday at 10 a.m. So I get the time off and wait for more details.
Mom calls me last night and lets me know what is going on. While talking over the details, she says she wants Dad to give the prayer at the graveside but it looked like he really didn't want to do that. She asked if I would give the prayer if he didn't.
I am honored and scared to death at the same time. I have not seen this man for years. I am not even a member of the family, technically. But here his daughter is asking me to pray for the family.
I know it won't be like an LDS service, obviously. The whole family may be technically baptized member's, but the kids and I are the only active ones. So, they don't care about that part of it. But I can't help but feel awkward. I loved the man, of course. Mom still sees me as part of her family, and with everything she has done for me lately, I do too.
However, how are her sister's going to feel about this? She was given the task to choose someone, so they really can't say a lot, but I am still so anxious about it. Not only do I have to come up with a prayer that will be comforting to this family, but I need to try my best to not offend anyone. Especially since I hadn't seen him for so long.
I know I shouldn't worry so much about it. I am really touched that Mom wants me to do it. (Although, it may just be that she knows no one else would even be a little bit willing to, but I want to think that even if there were other choices she still would feel the same.) I know it shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks. She is his daughter and she made the choice. I just pray I can send Grandpa off with some inspiring words for his family.
All in all, completely bizarre situation. What a drama filled family I have surrounding me. I must admit though, I do love them all. As weird as it is, as dysfunctional as we/they are, they are my family.
Grandpa Liddell was a great man. He was so kind and loving, generous to a fault. He cared deeply for his family and they cared for him.
I found out last Tuesday that he had suffered a stroke and probably wouldn't wake from it, and if he did, he wouldn't be the same. The doctors gave him a few days at most.
On Wednesday, I got a text that he was awake and doing well, even eating lunch. They had transferred him to the care center where Grandma Liddell is staying because of her Alzheimer's. So it looked good again. (Just a little side story: I'm not sure what day it was, but Grandma had been asking for him, so they took her to his room. She was upset that they hadn't taken her to her husband, saying they had taken her to some "old man's" room, that her husband was young and strong. It is really sad how the mind can deteriorate so drastically.)
Friday, Cynthia asked if she could come out on Sunday to do more work on the house. She told me at that time that she didn't want to get into anything big because her dad could go at any time. She let me know he had another stroke and was in a coma again. He refused any life saving techniques, and the doctors gave him hours-days to live.
Yesterday, Wednesday the 19th, I took a second to check facebook during lunch at work. I see a message from Devin saying RIP Grandpa. I texted Amanda asking about it and she let me know he had passed the previous night. Mom didn't want to tell me until after work so I wouldn't be upset at work. Lousy facebook anyway.
I get another text from Amanda later in the afternoon letting me know the funeral will be Friday at 10 a.m. So I get the time off and wait for more details.
Mom calls me last night and lets me know what is going on. While talking over the details, she says she wants Dad to give the prayer at the graveside but it looked like he really didn't want to do that. She asked if I would give the prayer if he didn't.
I am honored and scared to death at the same time. I have not seen this man for years. I am not even a member of the family, technically. But here his daughter is asking me to pray for the family.
I know it won't be like an LDS service, obviously. The whole family may be technically baptized member's, but the kids and I are the only active ones. So, they don't care about that part of it. But I can't help but feel awkward. I loved the man, of course. Mom still sees me as part of her family, and with everything she has done for me lately, I do too.
However, how are her sister's going to feel about this? She was given the task to choose someone, so they really can't say a lot, but I am still so anxious about it. Not only do I have to come up with a prayer that will be comforting to this family, but I need to try my best to not offend anyone. Especially since I hadn't seen him for so long.
I know I shouldn't worry so much about it. I am really touched that Mom wants me to do it. (Although, it may just be that she knows no one else would even be a little bit willing to, but I want to think that even if there were other choices she still would feel the same.) I know it shouldn't matter what anybody else thinks. She is his daughter and she made the choice. I just pray I can send Grandpa off with some inspiring words for his family.
All in all, completely bizarre situation. What a drama filled family I have surrounding me. I must admit though, I do love them all. As weird as it is, as dysfunctional as we/they are, they are my family.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day
OK, so this morning, on the way to work, the radio station played a little blurb from Everybody Loves Raymond where Patricia Wheaton was saying, "Father's Day is great, because it's being run by the Mother's!"
I laughed at that, and Dessa must have been listening because she immediately asked why that was funny. I explained and she had the nerve to ask me if I would help her with Father's Day for her dad.
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Granted, my children are still young, and my wonderful Annee did take me out to Sizzler on Thursday for Mother's Day, and both Tyler and Dessa made things at school for me, which are always precious. However...NOT ONE OF MY CHILDREN WISHED ME A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY YESTERDAY!!!
Maybe it is too much to ask for. Fine. No problem. But now, Dessa wants me to make her dad's Father's Day special. This hurt. A lot. I kind of lost it with her and started going on about how he didn't help them with Mother's Day, and how in fact he never helps me with ANYTHING! She defended him by saying he had paid the money he owes me. Oh, if she only knew. I couldn't help but say that he still owes me over $5,000, so he still has a long way to go on that one.
She didn't say anything after that, but I am still seething and aching over it. I know I shouldn't be. She loves her dad, and she should think about him. I just get so frustrated when I hear how the kids want to do stuff for their dad when he doesn't do a darn thing for them. I told Dessa she is more than welcome to do what she wants to or to make something for her dad, but that I can not help her.
Am I wrong in this? Even now, I am really trying hard not to cry. It is very hard to focus on work at the moment because it hurts so bad. I hate that I feel this way! I am the one getting all the benefits of parenting these kids, and I know how lucky I am. It just really hurts that they don't see how much little comments like that hurt me. I just need to grow up and get over it I guess.
I laughed at that, and Dessa must have been listening because she immediately asked why that was funny. I explained and she had the nerve to ask me if I would help her with Father's Day for her dad.
?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Granted, my children are still young, and my wonderful Annee did take me out to Sizzler on Thursday for Mother's Day, and both Tyler and Dessa made things at school for me, which are always precious. However...NOT ONE OF MY CHILDREN WISHED ME A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY YESTERDAY!!!
Maybe it is too much to ask for. Fine. No problem. But now, Dessa wants me to make her dad's Father's Day special. This hurt. A lot. I kind of lost it with her and started going on about how he didn't help them with Mother's Day, and how in fact he never helps me with ANYTHING! She defended him by saying he had paid the money he owes me. Oh, if she only knew. I couldn't help but say that he still owes me over $5,000, so he still has a long way to go on that one.
She didn't say anything after that, but I am still seething and aching over it. I know I shouldn't be. She loves her dad, and she should think about him. I just get so frustrated when I hear how the kids want to do stuff for their dad when he doesn't do a darn thing for them. I told Dessa she is more than welcome to do what she wants to or to make something for her dad, but that I can not help her.
Am I wrong in this? Even now, I am really trying hard not to cry. It is very hard to focus on work at the moment because it hurts so bad. I hate that I feel this way! I am the one getting all the benefits of parenting these kids, and I know how lucky I am. It just really hurts that they don't see how much little comments like that hurt me. I just need to grow up and get over it I guess.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Falling
I have been working on a problem for some time now at work. I have spent hours on this thing. I have contacted numerous people for help, and finally just dug in and read the help file to figure it out. And now it is fixed.
Well, I was so excited that it worked, that when I was walking back to my main office after testing the last piece, I fell up the little concrete steps leading to my building. Now, it wouldn't be so bad, but this isn't the first time I have done this. In fact, I think it is the 4th time since I moved to this office in December that I have fallen.
It is so embarrassing. Last time, one of our maintenance guys saw me. This time, a random stranger offered to help me up and handed me my shoe, which had fallen off.
Now, my knees are scraped up yet again, my foot hurts from hitting the step, and I slammed down on my hand this time also, so my hand hurts. None of this hurts as bad as my pride though! I can't believe this keeps happening! I have a scar on my knee from the last time that still hurts when I kneel on it.
I have got to figure out why I keep falling! Maybe I need rubber soled shoes with spikes for traction...Something!!
Well, I was so excited that it worked, that when I was walking back to my main office after testing the last piece, I fell up the little concrete steps leading to my building. Now, it wouldn't be so bad, but this isn't the first time I have done this. In fact, I think it is the 4th time since I moved to this office in December that I have fallen.
It is so embarrassing. Last time, one of our maintenance guys saw me. This time, a random stranger offered to help me up and handed me my shoe, which had fallen off.
Now, my knees are scraped up yet again, my foot hurts from hitting the step, and I slammed down on my hand this time also, so my hand hurts. None of this hurts as bad as my pride though! I can't believe this keeps happening! I have a scar on my knee from the last time that still hurts when I kneel on it.
I have got to figure out why I keep falling! Maybe I need rubber soled shoes with spikes for traction...Something!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Stress!
It has been a tough week! I have the most massive headache right now because of all the stress.
My wonderful Great Aunt Alice was kind enough to give me and the kids her large screen TV. I made plans with Dad and Aaron to get it picked up last night after work. To make this easier, I had Mom use my Explorer for the day and I took their truck to work, planning on picking up Dad and Aaron after I got off and head to Aunt Alice's place.
Aaron met me at my office when he got off work. We headed down to the truck and started out. I was explaining to Aaron about the new parking structure that we are now using and how it was a tight squeeze around some of the turns. At that moment, I was making the last turn out of the structure around a giant concrete pillar. I saw that the mirror had cleared so I thought I was home free.
Not so much. The crunching sound as the truck hit the column was not a sound I EVER want to hear again! I panicked and made things a little worse by backing up a little instead of continuing forward. I had a line of cars behind me as I tried to get out of the mess, then I had to find a spot to pull over and assess the damage to both the truck and the pillar. And of course, there is no cell phone coverage there as it is underground, so I had to go all the way out, turn around and sit at the entrance as Aaron called security to make a report and I called dad to tell him I had bashed his truck up.
I am still in a state of shock that I did that. It was just STUPID, when at the very moment I hit it, I was telling Aaron how careful you had to be. I honestly didn't think that dad's truck was that much bigger than my SUV. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
Luckily, the rest of the night went better than expected. The TV turned out to be a lot lighter than we thought it would be and it was on wheels, so dad and Aaron got it in the new house much easier than I thought it would go in. It looks great sitting in the corner of the living room. Too bad I won't have cable for it for some time, but watching DVDs on it will be GREAT and Ty is going to love playing games on it.
I am taking Friday off to finish packing and to start on painting and decorating the new house. I am so stressed about getting everything done. I can't wait until we are in the house and settled!
My wonderful Great Aunt Alice was kind enough to give me and the kids her large screen TV. I made plans with Dad and Aaron to get it picked up last night after work. To make this easier, I had Mom use my Explorer for the day and I took their truck to work, planning on picking up Dad and Aaron after I got off and head to Aunt Alice's place.
Aaron met me at my office when he got off work. We headed down to the truck and started out. I was explaining to Aaron about the new parking structure that we are now using and how it was a tight squeeze around some of the turns. At that moment, I was making the last turn out of the structure around a giant concrete pillar. I saw that the mirror had cleared so I thought I was home free.
Not so much. The crunching sound as the truck hit the column was not a sound I EVER want to hear again! I panicked and made things a little worse by backing up a little instead of continuing forward. I had a line of cars behind me as I tried to get out of the mess, then I had to find a spot to pull over and assess the damage to both the truck and the pillar. And of course, there is no cell phone coverage there as it is underground, so I had to go all the way out, turn around and sit at the entrance as Aaron called security to make a report and I called dad to tell him I had bashed his truck up.
I am still in a state of shock that I did that. It was just STUPID, when at the very moment I hit it, I was telling Aaron how careful you had to be. I honestly didn't think that dad's truck was that much bigger than my SUV. I will NEVER make that mistake again.
Luckily, the rest of the night went better than expected. The TV turned out to be a lot lighter than we thought it would be and it was on wheels, so dad and Aaron got it in the new house much easier than I thought it would go in. It looks great sitting in the corner of the living room. Too bad I won't have cable for it for some time, but watching DVDs on it will be GREAT and Ty is going to love playing games on it.
I am taking Friday off to finish packing and to start on painting and decorating the new house. I am so stressed about getting everything done. I can't wait until we are in the house and settled!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Clueless
I can not believe how clueless I am sometimes. I had to walk down to another building managed by ZSC for some signs. I didn't know where to go, so Kevin sent me to the food court to ask Tom for help. I get down to the food court, look right at the table where Tom is, and totally dismiss it, looking at the other side of the court. Duh!
Then, on the way up the escalator, I see some people coming down and I notice one is wearing the same coat I am, for City Creek. I thought that was weird because our office was the only ones who had that color.
As they pass, Rebecca, a co-worker, says "Hi Jennifer". I look up and realize the one wearing the coat is Heather, the girl who works right across from me. Double DUH!
All this after our FHE lesson about noticing our "neighbors". Saying hi to everyone. Not being so self absorbed that you don't see who walks by.
I totally failed that today. How horrible of me!
Then, on the way up the escalator, I see some people coming down and I notice one is wearing the same coat I am, for City Creek. I thought that was weird because our office was the only ones who had that color.
As they pass, Rebecca, a co-worker, says "Hi Jennifer". I look up and realize the one wearing the coat is Heather, the girl who works right across from me. Double DUH!
All this after our FHE lesson about noticing our "neighbors". Saying hi to everyone. Not being so self absorbed that you don't see who walks by.
I totally failed that today. How horrible of me!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Biting
I am ready to literally strangle Dessa.
Last Friday, I received a call from her teacher saying that she had been biting, or pretending to bite, a child at school. She had also done this the previous Friday. Now, this is something that we have been working on for quite some time. It has come up in therapy repeatedly.
I emailed dad and Dessa's therapist, Lezli, asking for advice. Dessa was supposed to attend a sleepover for Guilee's birthday that night, followed by Guilee's actual party on Saturday, and I was planning on hosting a party for Dessa at the Mayan the following Friday, Dessa's birthday. My gut reaction was to cancel all her plans, Guilee's party and her own. But then I started feeling guilty about that.
I received advice from both dad and Lezli, and after thinking about it, I decided to not let her attend the sleepover that night, but if she behaved the rest of the day and the next morning, I would allow her to attend the actual birthday party on Saturday. Lezli and I discussed this and we both thought this would be a big deal for her and it would stop the bad behavior.
So, she threw a fit when I told her about the sleepover. But it wasn't anything near what I was expecting. And then she was fine. I let her go to the party on Saturday and spend a few hours after the party with Guilee.
Dessa had a session on Monday with Lezli. I was off work that day (having taken Annee to the doctor and finding out she possibly had mono) so I attended with her. We started out discussing the biting incident on Friday. Dessa was so nonchalant about it. She made it seem like it was no big deal to lose the sleepover and that it hadn't even fazed her to loose out on it.
Lezli and I were both worried about this. After much discussion, we agreed that I should cancel Dessa's party that was planned for Friday at the Mayan. We were discussing this, and it still didn't seem to bother Dessa at all. So, to make it more real, I got out my cell phone and started texting everyone that the partywas cancelled.
That was when she started crying. She did her usual fit of begging, saying she really wanted to have the party, etc. It was a mild fit, but not unexpected. She was calm well before the end of the session. Lezli had mentioned that I MIGHT think about rescheduling the party for some time in the future if Dessa behaved well. We also decided that for Friday night, we would stay home and clean the house, so that we didn't replace the party with something fun.
I knew there was a problem when Dessa didn't seem at all upset when I was telling Annee about cancelling the party. Annee was more upset than Dessa was! Then, this morning, when Tyler was asking about going to the Mayan still, (it was his choice of restaurant when I gave the kids each a chance to choose where we will eat out when I got our tax return), I said that I would be taking him and Annee, but not Dessa.
Then the fit started again. She was raging about how I never said she couldn't go out for a "family dinner" and it wasn't fair. And she was right, to a point. I had never told her I wouldn't be taking her to the Mayan for dinner, I just decided that was part of cancelling her party, that she wouldn't get to join us for dinner there either.
So I left her at mom's this morning upset about that, but still saying her party would be rescheduled in the future.
So, today, around 1ish, I received a call from the vice principal at Dessa's school. She said she had bitten a boy during lunch and then blatantly defied the hall monitors when they tried to re-direct her.
I don't know what else to do. Starting today, she will not be allowed to watch t.v., use the computer or any other electronic game, color, or do anything she thinks is fun. She will do her homework and sit on the couch and read at mom's after school, and spend lots of time in her room at home.
Other than this, I don't know what else I can possibly do!! I really thought cancelling her party would stop this. I just don't get why she keeps doing this. It makes no sense to me at all. NONE.
Last Friday, I received a call from her teacher saying that she had been biting, or pretending to bite, a child at school. She had also done this the previous Friday. Now, this is something that we have been working on for quite some time. It has come up in therapy repeatedly.
I emailed dad and Dessa's therapist, Lezli, asking for advice. Dessa was supposed to attend a sleepover for Guilee's birthday that night, followed by Guilee's actual party on Saturday, and I was planning on hosting a party for Dessa at the Mayan the following Friday, Dessa's birthday. My gut reaction was to cancel all her plans, Guilee's party and her own. But then I started feeling guilty about that.
I received advice from both dad and Lezli, and after thinking about it, I decided to not let her attend the sleepover that night, but if she behaved the rest of the day and the next morning, I would allow her to attend the actual birthday party on Saturday. Lezli and I discussed this and we both thought this would be a big deal for her and it would stop the bad behavior.
So, she threw a fit when I told her about the sleepover. But it wasn't anything near what I was expecting. And then she was fine. I let her go to the party on Saturday and spend a few hours after the party with Guilee.
Dessa had a session on Monday with Lezli. I was off work that day (having taken Annee to the doctor and finding out she possibly had mono) so I attended with her. We started out discussing the biting incident on Friday. Dessa was so nonchalant about it. She made it seem like it was no big deal to lose the sleepover and that it hadn't even fazed her to loose out on it.
Lezli and I were both worried about this. After much discussion, we agreed that I should cancel Dessa's party that was planned for Friday at the Mayan. We were discussing this, and it still didn't seem to bother Dessa at all. So, to make it more real, I got out my cell phone and started texting everyone that the partywas cancelled.
That was when she started crying. She did her usual fit of begging, saying she really wanted to have the party, etc. It was a mild fit, but not unexpected. She was calm well before the end of the session. Lezli had mentioned that I MIGHT think about rescheduling the party for some time in the future if Dessa behaved well. We also decided that for Friday night, we would stay home and clean the house, so that we didn't replace the party with something fun.
I knew there was a problem when Dessa didn't seem at all upset when I was telling Annee about cancelling the party. Annee was more upset than Dessa was! Then, this morning, when Tyler was asking about going to the Mayan still, (it was his choice of restaurant when I gave the kids each a chance to choose where we will eat out when I got our tax return), I said that I would be taking him and Annee, but not Dessa.
Then the fit started again. She was raging about how I never said she couldn't go out for a "family dinner" and it wasn't fair. And she was right, to a point. I had never told her I wouldn't be taking her to the Mayan for dinner, I just decided that was part of cancelling her party, that she wouldn't get to join us for dinner there either.
So I left her at mom's this morning upset about that, but still saying her party would be rescheduled in the future.
So, today, around 1ish, I received a call from the vice principal at Dessa's school. She said she had bitten a boy during lunch and then blatantly defied the hall monitors when they tried to re-direct her.
I don't know what else to do. Starting today, she will not be allowed to watch t.v., use the computer or any other electronic game, color, or do anything she thinks is fun. She will do her homework and sit on the couch and read at mom's after school, and spend lots of time in her room at home.
Other than this, I don't know what else I can possibly do!! I really thought cancelling her party would stop this. I just don't get why she keeps doing this. It makes no sense to me at all. NONE.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Workplace Woes
I have ready many articles that talk about annoying things that co-workers can do. For the most part, I have had few issues with my co-workers over the years.
Until now. I have to say, the articles are right; one of the worst things you can do in an office is to make smelly food!
I have a co-worker that is in a cubicle right behind me. Yousef is great. He is friendly, nice, and works hard. But, lately, his food has been SO smelly! It has literally made me nauseous every day this week!
I know his wife packs his lunch, and he talks about how good his lunches have been lately. But when the putrid smell of some sort of sesame chicken is wafting through the office, it is not nice. As I am generally the only one in the office at the time, I don't know that anyone else has noticed. Most everyone here leaves the building for lunch. Yousef and I are the few that eat here almost daily.
I don't want to say anything to Yousef, but it is getting really hard to work around lunch time at all. I am really thinking I may start bringing food I don't have to heat up and going to an empty space on a different floor to have my lunch. I try to make my food smell up the place, but it never gets through the horrible smells of his lunches.
I really hope I have never been the cause of this problem. I send out a general apology to anyone in case I have. It is awful to have to work through!
Until now. I have to say, the articles are right; one of the worst things you can do in an office is to make smelly food!
I have a co-worker that is in a cubicle right behind me. Yousef is great. He is friendly, nice, and works hard. But, lately, his food has been SO smelly! It has literally made me nauseous every day this week!
I know his wife packs his lunch, and he talks about how good his lunches have been lately. But when the putrid smell of some sort of sesame chicken is wafting through the office, it is not nice. As I am generally the only one in the office at the time, I don't know that anyone else has noticed. Most everyone here leaves the building for lunch. Yousef and I are the few that eat here almost daily.
I don't want to say anything to Yousef, but it is getting really hard to work around lunch time at all. I am really thinking I may start bringing food I don't have to heat up and going to an empty space on a different floor to have my lunch. I try to make my food smell up the place, but it never gets through the horrible smells of his lunches.
I really hope I have never been the cause of this problem. I send out a general apology to anyone in case I have. It is awful to have to work through!
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Joyfully" Endure to the End
One of my favorite mantras is "endure to the end". I chant it to myself constantly. It is the motto I live by.
I am adding something to that motto: Joyfully Endure to the End.
I read this in an talk by President Uchtdorf to the Priesthood session of the last General Conference. He was speaking to the "retiring" generation who might think they have done enough and can rest for a time. However, I found it very powerful.
I have spent the last few years "enduring" to the end. I have struggled through things, gotten through a lot of tough times, and just basically survived. I am done with that. I want to start JOYFULLY enduring to the end.
I want to be able to enjoy my time with my kids. I want to enjoy my life, not to think of it as something I have to do, but something I want to do. I want to stop thinking about how bad things are and look at how good they are.
I have been getting daily little emails called Daily Gems from the church website. Today's is from that talk by President Uchtdorf (which led me to read the whole thing,) and says:
"The Lord doesn't expect us to work harder than we are able. He doesn't (nor should we) compare our efforts to those of others. Our Heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can—that we work according to our full capacity, however great or small that may be." Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Two Principles for Any Economy," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 56
I have not been working to my full capacity. I keep fooling myself saying I am. And maybe for the time, it was my full capacity. But I know the truth. I know I have so much more to offer. I don't have to lie in bed all weekend. I (not to mention my kids) don't deserve that. I deserve to be happy, and obviously what I am doing is not making me happy.
So, my new mantra is "Joyfully Endure to the End". I will strive to look at each day as a gift, instead of a drudgery. After all, "men are that they might have joy." Well, this woman is going to start having some joy!
I am adding something to that motto: Joyfully Endure to the End.
I read this in an talk by President Uchtdorf to the Priesthood session of the last General Conference. He was speaking to the "retiring" generation who might think they have done enough and can rest for a time. However, I found it very powerful.
I have spent the last few years "enduring" to the end. I have struggled through things, gotten through a lot of tough times, and just basically survived. I am done with that. I want to start JOYFULLY enduring to the end.
I want to be able to enjoy my time with my kids. I want to enjoy my life, not to think of it as something I have to do, but something I want to do. I want to stop thinking about how bad things are and look at how good they are.
I have been getting daily little emails called Daily Gems from the church website. Today's is from that talk by President Uchtdorf (which led me to read the whole thing,) and says:
"The Lord doesn't expect us to work harder than we are able. He doesn't (nor should we) compare our efforts to those of others. Our Heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can—that we work according to our full capacity, however great or small that may be." Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Two Principles for Any Economy," Ensign, Nov. 2009, 56
I have not been working to my full capacity. I keep fooling myself saying I am. And maybe for the time, it was my full capacity. But I know the truth. I know I have so much more to offer. I don't have to lie in bed all weekend. I (not to mention my kids) don't deserve that. I deserve to be happy, and obviously what I am doing is not making me happy.
So, my new mantra is "Joyfully Endure to the End". I will strive to look at each day as a gift, instead of a drudgery. After all, "men are that they might have joy." Well, this woman is going to start having some joy!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Bizarre Dreams
I had the most bizarre dream last night. We were moving our offices at work, but there were a lot of people from my past there moving offices also. People like Krista and Shannon who lived behind me while growing up. And there were a few people from the Academy there also. It was like I had been in this office since I was like 10, and we were packing everything up and moving it.
It was strange, because like my current office space, I had very little to pack. I fit everything of mine into 2 boxes, and that includes like the phone, the desk organizer, and other office items currently on my desk. The other people had boxes and boxes of stuff.
I don't know where it came from, but it was completely weird. My kids were there, Jess showed up to help, mom and dad were there. Weird.
It was strange, because like my current office space, I had very little to pack. I fit everything of mine into 2 boxes, and that includes like the phone, the desk organizer, and other office items currently on my desk. The other people had boxes and boxes of stuff.
I don't know where it came from, but it was completely weird. My kids were there, Jess showed up to help, mom and dad were there. Weird.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bored!
I can't believe how much down time I have in this new job! I am starting to worry that I am not doing something that I really should be doing. I keep going over the training folder I was given, and everything in there is done. I just don't understand how when I asked my predecessor if she ever had down time, she insisted she never did. Am I that much faster, or am I seriously missing something?
I feel like I need to be doing something, but I can't find things to do. I have already updated all of my spreadsheets for the new year, even ones I haven't used yet. I have gone through every file that I inherited, seeing if there was something I was missing and also learning what I could. I have asked my co-worker in my office if I can help her and have done things for her.
I guess my boss would tell me if there was a problem, but I always worry about things like this. It is so different not having anything to do, and no one to talk to either. At least at the Brigham, if I had down time, there was always some one to talk to. I really miss that. I get a long well with my new office mates, but there isn't that feel of family we had at the Brigham.
Oh well. At least my job is secure for the moment and I have an income. I should just be grateful.
I feel like I need to be doing something, but I can't find things to do. I have already updated all of my spreadsheets for the new year, even ones I haven't used yet. I have gone through every file that I inherited, seeing if there was something I was missing and also learning what I could. I have asked my co-worker in my office if I can help her and have done things for her.
I guess my boss would tell me if there was a problem, but I always worry about things like this. It is so different not having anything to do, and no one to talk to either. At least at the Brigham, if I had down time, there was always some one to talk to. I really miss that. I get a long well with my new office mates, but there isn't that feel of family we had at the Brigham.
Oh well. At least my job is secure for the moment and I have an income. I should just be grateful.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Good Day
Ok, I am calling for snow...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... PLEASE!
All right. I got that out of my system. (Can you tell I really want it to snow?)
It was a good weekend. I got out and exercised on Saturday with Mom, Jess, and Wendee. I am so out of shape it is not even funny. After 16 minutes of fast walking, I was done. I am pathetic. But, I will get better.
Also on Saturday, I got my taxes done. I am getting almost $7,000!! You can't even imagine how this is going to help me! I am going to be able to pay off a lot and still have some for savings, which is what I really wanted!
I think I am going to pay every monthly bill with it also. Above and beyond what I normally pay. This will put me one month ahead on all my bills. Then, if I run into a problem like I have had lately, it won't be a catastrophe.
I am also going to stock up on food. I am so tired of my fridge being empty. So are the kids.
I am so looking forward to this! I can't wait for it to come so I can get this started. I have been calculating what I am going to do, and it's so much fun!!
All right. I got that out of my system. (Can you tell I really want it to snow?)
It was a good weekend. I got out and exercised on Saturday with Mom, Jess, and Wendee. I am so out of shape it is not even funny. After 16 minutes of fast walking, I was done. I am pathetic. But, I will get better.
Also on Saturday, I got my taxes done. I am getting almost $7,000!! You can't even imagine how this is going to help me! I am going to be able to pay off a lot and still have some for savings, which is what I really wanted!
I think I am going to pay every monthly bill with it also. Above and beyond what I normally pay. This will put me one month ahead on all my bills. Then, if I run into a problem like I have had lately, it won't be a catastrophe.
I am also going to stock up on food. I am so tired of my fridge being empty. So are the kids.
I am so looking forward to this! I can't wait for it to come so I can get this started. I have been calculating what I am going to do, and it's so much fun!!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Creepy Empty Office
It's Friday and for some reason, I am the only one in the office at the moment. Everyone was here earlier, but left. It is really weird. It is quiet even when they are all here, but now, yikes!
Also, there is construction going on next door that keeps banging on the walls, making it sound like those spooky sounds you hear in scary movies. It really is kind of creepy!
Also, there is construction going on next door that keeps banging on the walls, making it sound like those spooky sounds you hear in scary movies. It really is kind of creepy!
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