Grandpas Grumblings: The Beast Within - or Why are you so Sad?

Grandpas Grumblings: The Beast Within - or Why are you so Sad?

This poem on my dad's blog is the best description of how I have felt for years. I love it and can totally relate to it.

Meet the Counselor - Break Your Heart

I went with Annee today to meet her counselor Jamie. Annee  has only met with her twice, but she likes her, which is good because we have been searching for a counselor for her since she got out of res. Jamie wanted to hear my view of the family dynamic, especially my relationship with Annee.

There is nothing more humbling than admitting your total inadequacy as a parent in front of your child, especially when you have been telling that child you want so much to fix things and make them better. But lying in therapy is not an option. What's the point? We both know how bad things are. But telling a perfect stranger that things are overall better in the house because each family member has their own corner of the house and pretty much stays there? Not the answer I want to give.

It's the truth though. I understand the kids much better after the past year. Learning Ty has Aspergher's was a huge step in knowing how to help him calm down in situations, or how to avoid them altogether. Learning how to communicate better with Annee by validating her feelings but not engaging with her or feeling I have to fix everything has helped a ton. Knowing Dessa craves attention more than anything makes things with her pretty easy.

The problem is using all this new found knowledge and getting my butt out of bed and doing something with it. Knowing these things doesn't do a bit of good when I am in my room all the time and the kids are all in their own "rooms". Admitting this to a stranger is gut wrenching.

But it was good. Annee and I had a good dialogue going on the way home. We were talking about some misconceptions she had about why I wanted to take control away from her. She was feeling so jealous of her friend Jesse because he was working, buying a fancy phone, playing all the time, and I was taking her "responsibility" away as he was getting more.

I explained that I was taking the "mom" responsibility away. I wanted her to do the exact same thing Jesse was doing. She brought up the fact that we argued every time she mentioned getting a job. When I said it was because she wanted to get a job to help contribute to the house, she didn't understand that this was the exact thing I was trying to take away from her. I would love it if she got a job. But to earn money for car insurance, gas for the car when she goes out with friends, fun clothes she wants for herself, saving for college, stuff like that. I don't want her to work to pay the house payment.

When I pointed this out, I think she finally understood how our points of view become such an obstruction in our relationship. She wants so much to be grown up and helpful. I let her know that while this is such an awesome trait, she needs to stop worrying about grown up things so much and worry about making her way in life. She needs to focus on the things that make her happy and be a normal happy teenager.

It was all going so well. That last sentence triggered a rush of tears and she started in on how she can't be a normal teenager, how whenever she tries everything blows up in her face. She started in on how a simple statement that was misunderstood when she returned to school has ruined her chances at making any friends. She said she decided to take the school counselors advice and tell the kids she was at rehab after overdosing during the summer.

Well, the kids took this to mean that she was a druggy. Then, she said that for some reason, because she was always sick in 9th grade and missed a lot of school, kids started saying she was pregnant. Then some started saying she was a terrorist because of how she never smiled and missed so much school all the time. So there is no chance of ever making friends because of the stupid mistakes she has made.

What does a mother say to that? It broke my heart. I had no idea that this was going on. I knew the terrorist rumor, but not the rest. It makes me want to just punch someone. My poor girl tries so hard to get ahead and all the things she dreamed about doing as a teenager are gone. I don't know how to help. I had to leave her to go back to work at that point, so I felt even worse.

All in all, a frustrating day. Good ideas and conversation but also heartbreaking and humbling at the same time. Days like this are what make me want to go to bed and not get up again. Not doing that though. I'm going to dad's to do my taxes tomorrow and he's going to help Annee with her debate case. I also need to meet with Cynthia and discuss summer plans. Oh, and I need to finish studying my Relief Society lesson for Sunday. No laying around in bed for me tomorrow.

New Year, New Chances

I can honestly say last year was the worst year of my life. Two different kids in residential treatment centers for 3 months each; one child attempting suicide; less income than ever in my working adult life despite making more per hour; the most drama filled family gatherings you can imagine; and the list goes on.

I have promised myself that we will NOT have another year like last year. Our family will not survive it. As the matriarch and only parent of the home, I set the tone. I know that when I don't do well, the family doesn't do well.

I am committed to getting this family back on track this year. As part of that, I want to journal every day. Right now, I need to be accountable to someone or I won't do it. So I am making my blog public and I'm going to be accountable to the world.

I haven't started out too well this year yet. I have missed more days than I have worked. Most of those were due to having the flu. Some were not. I need to stop making excuses to stay in bed all the time. The flu was legitimate, I admit. But I have let it go on too long. I should have been up all week this week and getting my house back in order. My Christmas tree will NOT be up until April this year like it was last year! I need to kick it in gear.

Ty has been begging for family dinners for so long. I made hamburgers on Monday. But he was heartbroken when we didn't eat together. He tried so hard to get us to. But like usual, we all went our separate ways to eat. I need to stop that; get us all at the table again.

I know I won't be perfect. I know I am going to stumble a lot. But I also know I can do this. We have been happy before. We can be happy again. I know we can.

Tithing: A Blessing, Not A Burden

I don't know why I have to be reminded of this all the time! I have seen it in action plenty! So why, when things get tough, do I forget that and slack off on paying my tithing?

I have been waiting for my tax credit for buying my house since April. I needed it to come so badly. I started getting behind on things, so I thought I would not pay my tithing until it came, and catch it up then.

So, it's been about a month, and I start thinking I better pay something. On Sunday, I gave the bishop a check for half of what I owe.

Guess what is in the mailbox first thing Monday morning? The check from the IRS.

EVERY SINGLE TIME!! You think I would learn. Pay your tithing, and the Lord WILL look out for you. No matter what. I pray to be able to remember this and not have to stress about it again.

Breaking Heart

Dessa has been a real struggle for me lately. She recently got caught looking at some very bad pornographic websites. The sites she was looking at (for over an hour) were ones that her therapist has been told by porn addicts are some of the worst ones out there. Most of them were gays having sex, or things along that line.

So we are working on it in counseling. The disturbing thing is, I have a really bad feeling that she will end up choosing that kind of lifestyle. Last week, I caught her several times choosing episodes of House that specifically had to do with gays and/or sex. Years ago she was caught kissing Guilee, several times. She said the reason she started looking at the porn was because she saved a newspaper article at school last year about someone fighting for gay rights.

Knowing Dessa, and knowing how she acts already, I can just feel that she is going to break my heart. And I think someone is preparing me for it. I get daily little tidbits called "gems" from the LDS website. A good number of them the last few weeks have been talking about not giving up on children who have strayed, and topics along that line.

I can't help but worry about how far my little one will stray...while praying she won't.

Problem Child

I have known for some time that Dessa is going to be my problem child. I am just getting tired of something new whenever I turn around.

Mom caught her on an inappropriate website last week and had Dad check out the history, afraid she had been on other sites. Well, he called last night and it is worse than I thought.

Granted, it was only one day, for about an hour, that she was looking at this stuff. But from what Dad said, it was pretty hard core sex stuff. I'm pretty sure she probably stumbled on it by mistake. What's disturbing is that she kept looking at the stuff and so more stuff kept popping up.

When I asked her about it this morning, she said she can't remember any of it. That is her excuse every time she is in trouble. I hate to not believe her, but really, I don't. How can she not remember something like that? I don't want to push it, but I will be talking to her counselor about it. I am also going to be going through every movie we have and if I think it is the least bit problematic, it will be gone.

Forceful Dreams

A little background...next to my bed sits a garbage can. On top of that garbage can is a box that acts as a sort of night stand. When I went to bed last night, it had a box of tissues with the book The Work and the Glory #2 sitting on it and a few pieces of a large chocolate candy bar on top of the book, 2 cups of water (one for last night and the one from the night before), an empty cup, my tv remote, my glasses, and some miscellaneous trash (ok, it's stupid, but I don't have a trash bag in the can at the moment, so the empty wrappers and such sit on the box waiting for me to get one). Oh, and my phone is there also.

I am dreaming last night, and in my dream, I go to push someone down as they are leaning over. I sort of fall with them.

I then wake up with my hands against the box, and water spilling all over. It takes me a little bit to realize what the dripping sound is. Then I see that the tissue box, book, and chocolate have landed in the box of shoes on the other side of the garbage can. That box is now filling with water and the tissues and book are getting soaked. In my weird state of mind, I grope around for the 4 pieces of chocolate that I can see are at the very bottom of the box. Funny how that is what I think to save.

I put a piece of the slightly damp chocolate in my mouth, then look and see if I can find my phone and glasses. I find the phone and the remote on the floor, a little wet but not too bad. I grope around for the glasses and can't find them, so I flop on the bed in despair. I must go turn on the light.

So, I stumble to the light switch across the room. I find my glasses under the bed and put them back on the box. I see that the two cups are laying on their side, with all the water either soaking into the lid of the box or falling off the sides. I can still hear some dripping into the can.

I briefly think about cleaning it all up. Then I reconsider, turn off the light, and snuggle back under my blanket. I go back to sleep and have more equally strange dreams and wake up completely exhausted.

I will have to put that garbage can liner in today, after I dry out the can.