A Smith Family Christmas. Can we say drama?

Yep, you guessed it; had a get together with the former in laws. I can not believe how bad their family is falling apart. It is insane. I won't go into the juicy details. It would take too long. I'll just say that I am so extremely grateful for my family. My children are the best, the absolute best. My parents. siblings and their spouses are such a good influence for me and my kids. They are always there to lend a hand and to help me with any little thing I might need.

Annee and I were talking on the way home. Well, she was crying and I was trying to calm her. I decided that I won't do this again. Every time we talk to or meet with the Smith's, Annee ends up completely upset, Dessa is badly influenced by her wayward cousin, and Ty, well, he is mostly ok, but really quiet. I can not subject my kids to this horrendous atmosphere any more. It is going to be very hard. No matter how upset they get, I know they love their family. And I do too. It is just too detrimental to our little family's health and well being to by influenced by all the drama and bad choices going on.

On a lighter note, I am so excited for Christmas! It is going to be smaller than usual, but I think it will be great. I have my beautiful children, my supportive family, my great job, and the peace of mind that I know we are good. I can honestly say I am happy right now. Of course there are things that could be better. But I am so grateful for what I have that I can't even dwell on it right now. I know who I am, where I am going, and where I am leading my children. That is all that matters.

Good night to all on this beautiful snowy night.

Christmas...Bah, Humbug!

I can not believe how early all the Christmas "hoopla" is starting this year! It is still over a week before Thanksgiving and there are carols playing on the radio, Santa's in malls, commercials on TV; we are just being bombarded with Christmas everywhere we go.

Now, normally I don't mind; I love Christmas. However, this year is going to be so tight for everybody. With the economy the way it is, everybody has to be careful and prudent in their spending.

I understand that this is probably the very reason that businesses are starting early, hoping to draw bigger crowds and entice consumers. I am just really not even close to feeling the Christmas spirit and the more I hear the worse it gets.

It doesn't help that it appears the consumer bug has hit the apartment complex where I work. We accept packages for people who are not home, and the huge amount of packages every day just depresses me, knowing I am cutting WAY back this year. I usually go into debt and then pay it off with my tax return. I'm not doing that this year. I am only going to spend what I have, which is extremely limited because of everything going on (see previous blog about ex...ugh.)

I wish the positive attitude that Dad has adopted would spill over to me. I have taken the role of extreme pessimist in the family. I really need to focus on the positive of everything and ignore the negative. I am just really struggling with the holiday spirit this year. I am looking forward to spending some time with the kids though. I have several days off and days I get to go home early coming up, so I will enjoy that extra time with the kids. I only pray that they understand and appreciate that time is the best gift I can give this year.

Drama, drama, drama

Amanda came over tonight to give the kids' their late birthday presents. She gave me the dish on all the new goings-on with the Smith family...

Randy and Matt were laid off from their jobs a few weeks back. Randy is living at Matt's house, along with Austin (not working), Kaitlyn (working), Michaela (baby), Matt's girlfriend Cassity (not working), Cassity's little boy (baby), and Austin's friend Dominick (working). So out of 6 adults, only 2 are working. Cynthia has been making the house payment but now can't make hers this month because of all the help she has given her kids.

Scott had texted me a few weeks back saying he was getting married. So I asked Amanda about that. Well, it appears that Samantha is expecting. But she is not sure which of 4 different guys is the father. Amanda thinks they are still together, but not sure about the getting married thing.

As far as Cassandra is concerned...it turns out that she wanted to move in with Josh but Jason didn't, so she said she was going anyways. Jason and her fought about it for a good long time and he finally conceded and said they could move in January when the lease was up on their apartment and he would go with. So, needless to say, marriage on shaky ground there... ~Big surprise~

Aleta is now living at Cynthia's with Devin, with the baby I presume.

Whew, it is exhausting hearing about what is going on with them. I told Amanda I couldn't keep up. I am so glad she is stable. She was talking about how she wanted 4 kids, but was so tired that they might wait for the next 2. Her baby is due on January 1st. Miley was with her and she is so cute and well behaved. Elden called while she was here, and I am just so happy that they have things together. Although his sister and her 4 year old are living with them, they seem so with it, especially compared to the rest of the group.

So, no child support for who knows how long. I will not allow my kids with their dad right now because of the things Amanda says goes on at that house. It's really sad when Matt's fridge is stocked with beer and they complain about not being able to buy milk. Amanda said there are empty/half empty cans all over the house, with the 2 babies walking all over. It's a shame. There is no way I will let my kids go over there, not that I see that as a problem. Randy is still hiding from me, so I don't have to really worry about him wanting to see them.

Amanda said Christmas will be at her house this year and she will tell me when they plan to get together. I am glad. I think I will try to make it there. It was really good to talk to her tonight. I only wish Annee hadn't heard most of what she said. Although she was trying to be careful with what she said, you can only hide so much from a mind as bright as Annee.

I am so grateful that I don't have to deal with all of that. I love my kids and the little family that we are. I know we are doing good and have great things in store for us. I am very grateful for the stability that comes with living the right way.

Obama Wins Presidency

As I sit here and listen/watch the election results, I am deeply saddened. I worry about the future of this great country when we elect such men. I fear for even more turbulent and volatile times ahead. Although we have been warned repeatedly, it is still alarming to think of what is to come.

My young children even fear the future. Tyler came home from scouts talking about the election and when he saw the preliminary results showing Obama winning, he stated, "here comes World War III." When a 10 year old child is fretting over this, you know there is something wrong. When I just informed Annee of the results, I could see her face just fall. They know that there is trouble ahead also. I have not spoken to them very much about the election, but I know they have focused a lot on it in school and now tonight at scouts. It's amazing how much children take in and comprehend. It's also very sad, knowing how much they worry.

I love this country that we live in. I love the freedoms we enjoy and the democratic process that allows the people a voice in the government. I am grateful for the choices we have. I am just very afraid the country has made a fatal choice today. I believe this is just bringing us one step closer to the Millennium. I pray for the safety and security of my family and will watch the new presidency with interest.

I knew it

So, I was right. I didn't hear from dear ex husband this weekend. ~Shocker!~ I will not let myself be duped again...until next time anyway. (Can't help myself, I must be some sort of masochist.) For someone who wanted to see his kids so badly, you would think he would have at least called. Once again though, not a huge surprise. He just missed another event in his children's lives. Another birthday gone with no real acknowledgment. Does he even care what this does to his kids? Does he realize at all?

Anyway, I won't ramble about him anymore today.

It was a LONG weekend. This was only because Annee and I was sick most of it. We had Jessica's shower on Saturday. It was a lot of fun. We had a game theme and Steph and Annee did a great job with the decorations; cards and game pieces all over the room. Mom and I did the food. Jenn brought her chocolate fountain and we had all the fixings for that. So good. However, Annee and I neglected to eat anything substantial before we had all the chocolate. We ended up being sick the rest of the day. Not a lot of fun.

Then Sunday, I woke up with a severe migraine at 5:30 am. Bad enough to wake up that early on a Sunday, but I felt absolutely horrible; pounding head, nauseated, the works. Annee was also sick to her stomach again, although I don't think it was still the food from Saturday. In fact, she called me not too long ago from school to have mom pick her up early as she is sick again. Must be something going around.

So we stayed home from church yesterday. I felt bad too because it was the primary program and I couldn't get the energy to get the kids there for it. Annee and I also had a meeting with the bishop that we had to skip.

Needless to say, it was a long weekend in bed. I am very glad that I am feeling better today and was able to make it to work. I hope this is not a sign of things to come. (I told mom that if I got a flu shot on Friday, that I would get sick. I don't think I can really blame the shot, but I was right to some extent anyway....hehe)

You have to be freakin kidding me...

So, I just talked to my kids' father. He asked me if he was a bad person. I told him I wasn't the one he should be asking. He said he thought so too, meaning he was a bad person. I asked him what brought this on. Apparently the girl he is with right now is accusing him of finding ways to accuse her of cheating. Confusing, I know. But then he started crying and said that the only time he felt secure in a relationship was with me. He said he knew we fought a lot, but he felt he belonged and was needed. He said he has never felt secure in a relationship since. And he is crying while saying this.

So, I tell him that I have thought for a long time that if I was a stronger person and tried harder, we never would have split up. He agreed, saying he should have tried harder also. He said he wouldn't know how to get back to that now though, as we are both so different now.

I tell him the only thing I can think of, that he needs to go back to church. I told him that the church is where I found my true happiness, where the truth is. He agreed and said he has been seriously thinking about it. (This is where my jaw would be dropping.) I can not believe it....

He wants to spend time with the kids this weekend really bad he said and asked if I would go with them at least. I told him not if it was on Sunday unless he wanted to go to church with us. (I know, what was I thinking!!!) He said he would seriously consider it and talk to me Saturday after the wedding shower.

Oh my goodness...what have I started? This isn't the first time he has made me think of the (hugely remote) possibility of getting back together. The other times, he has never mentioned church, nor have I. Then, the next pretty face he sees he is gone. I really think it has something to do with his being bi-polar. He gets on a low and thinks of going back to good times. Then he gets manic and is all over the place. And each time, I have fallen for it and been sucked into his being all nice and repentant. Then I get crushed when he won't talk to the kids (or me) for months on end is making all sorts of crazy, insane decisions (like having this current chick move in with him. Right before that happened, I was duped into thinking he wanted to go out with me again...sucker that I am.)

Man alive, I can't believe this is happening again. Why do I allow him to suck me in? Don't I ever learn? Sheesh already....

Out of the mouth of babes

I was telling Annee last night that she needed to take care of her face. She has a pretty serious acne problem right now and I was telling her to clean her face and use the acne cream on it. I jokingly called her pimple face. She blamed me and said her pimples were all my fault. I said no, her dad's family actually had a worse problem with it than I did while growing up.

Her response: "Well it's your fault for reproducing with a pimple face."

We laughed for a good long time at that one. I don't know where she gets these things.... :)

Crazy Weekend

It has been the longest weekend...I have two kids with birthdays on the 22nd, so we started on Friday with Annee and her friends at Lagoon, Tyler took a friend to the arcade yesterday, and today, Sunday, I had the Weights over for FHE and to celebrate the birthdays, including Jess's and Steph's, who also have birthdays in the next week or so.

I took Friday off work so I could take Annee and 3 friends, Olivia, Jesse, and Brian, to Lagoon. We left around 11 and I took them to Arby's for lunch. We then headed to Lagoon. When we got there, a woman stopped us in the parking lot and asked if we had to buy tickets. She had 3 pre-paid ones she didn't need and offered them to us for a discounted price. I saved $10 a piece on those 3. Very nice of her.

The day went remarkably well. I was surprised. I was so afraid that I would loose one of the kids. But they did so good at staying together and letting me know where they were. I spent a lot of time not riding the rides because if one kid didn't want to ride that ride, I stayed off with them. Jesse was the one who rode the least rides. Most of them scared him or made him sick, so he only rode a few. It was ok, except I would have loved to have ridden more. I love Lagoon as much as Annee does.

Watching the 4 kids made me think back to when I was in school. One friend always got more attention from the boys while the other laughed it off and ignored it. It was painfully apparent that things have not changed in that respect. I can see that Annee is just like me and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that.

We ended the day by watching the "Vampire Awakenings" show at the Carousel Theatre. It was a lot of loud music with pretty pathetic dancing, but it was good fun. The kids loved it. The opening act of the chainsaw dancers were better than the vampires, but I must admit, the vamp guys were cute.

Annee was very quiet on the way home. I wasn't sure if something was said that upset her or what. I found out when we got home at like 10pm. She said she had started her period a little before we left Lagoon. I wasn't sure if she really had as last month she thought she had too, but it turned out not to be. So I had her shower and told her we would see how it turned out.

I got up early on Saturday to get ready to go get Tyler for his outing. (Ty and Dessa had stayed at mom's overnight.) So I go to get in the shower and see she has left evidence of the surprise period in the hamper. (Okay, I know, TMI...) I started bawling. It had really happened. My little girl was a woman. I didn't think I would take it so hard, but seeing the actual proof just put me over the edge. I am not old enough to have a menstruating daughter. SHE is not old enough. I was 14. She isn't even 12 yet (not until Wednesday.) It is really hard to explain. Knowing my daughter is old enough for something so grown up is not easy at all. I wanted to have a "welcome to womanhood" gift ready for her. But I didn't, as I thought it was still a ways off. Of course I had talked to her about it and bought the supplies she would need. But I felt so unprepared for it to happen right now. Needless to say, I was more focused on getting this gift I had thought of together than of Tyler's outing.

I did have to take Tyler out though, so I tried to put Annee's growing up out of my head while I took him and his friend Jacob to the arcade. I gave them each $5 in nickels and told them when they were out, we went home. I was so afraid it would take hours, (I am definitely not an arcade person.) But they went through them surprisingly fast. They had a blast playing the Jurassic Park game, and I was pleased that Tyler beat Jacob out of the water as far as points go. Jacob plays a lot more shoot-em-up games than Tyler so I thought Ty would be at a disadvantage. Not so. Tyler had well over 200,000 points and Jacob only a little over 100,000. It was funny to me that I felt so proud, but it was nice to see Tyler looking pleased with himself. I tend to let Ty do his thing a lot because I don't necessarily like the same things. So it was good to see him excel at what he loves to do.

I took the boys out for lunch at Jake's, which is where Ty wanted to go. I felt bad for Jacob because he said his family won't take him out to eat a lot. He said something to the effect that they don't like to have him seen with his sister, since he is so much bigger and only 9. He is a big kid, but not huge by any means. Olivia, his sister, is just very short and petite. He has a sporty kid look about him. I thought it was very sad that he thought this about himself though. I just hope I never give my kids that impression. Though I do say Annee is so much bigger than her friends. I hope she realizes this means taller and means nothing against her weight. She just grew up so much faster than those around her. I really need to watch what I say though.

Anyways, so the boys had fun. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and getting Annee's "woman's day" gift together.

Today was busy also. We had church at 9am. The nursery was a mad house today. We had 14 kids in there, one of them not old enough to be there that cried until I finally had to take him to his mom, and at the end we had Jesse's little brother come in who has Down Syndrome. He is old enough to be there but can't walk or talk yet, so he struggles of course. My team teacher spent the rest of the time with him which wasn't too bad. I just don't get along with the kids as well as she does. I have no patience for them anymore. It's weird.

We got home from church and I started getting the dinner prepared and finished getting the kids' presents ready. The family came over and we had a great dinner. (Jenn and Jason were not able to make it. Jenn left a message on my phone about something going on in her family but she couldn't talk about it. I do hope everything is ok. We missed them.) I had this idea about creating a family time capsule a few weeks ago. So I had everyone bring items to represent themselves and their current family situation. I was very pleased with the contributions. We will wait to see if Jenn and Jason want to contribute (and Jessica forgot hers, so also her items,) and then we will seal it for 5 years. I am excited about the changes that will happen in that time. I know we are going to be adding more to the family, like Wil, (who is already so much a part of the family,) and hopefully more kids. (NOT from me, but there are plenty of others to help the family grow.) I pray that no one will be taken from the family in that time, but it will be interesting to see the changes in 5 years. Annee will be driving, Ty will (hopefully) have the Priesthood, and Dessa will be growing into "womanhood" at that time. (That is truly a scary thought...) So many changes, so quickly. Already, it is hard to see them so grown up. It has gone by so fast.

Man, I am rambling tonight. I have just had so much to think about in such a short period of time. I really pray that I can help Annee grow to be a strong, independent, caring woman. I feel so inadequate to be raising a young woman. I hope I have the strength and knowledge to do it right. Already, she is showing more signs of the moodiness that comes with being a teenager. This morning was rough. She was all over Dessa over the stupidest things. And weepy too. But she was great this evening, so she is already all over the map. I have tried really hard to not ask her to do too much this weekend, knowing how I feel at that time of the month. I am afraid of some rocky times ahead. Two headstrong, moody, menstruating women in one house is going to be tough. I feel so sorry for Tyler and Dessa in the coming months as we adjust to it. I really hope I can do this well. I am scared to death....

But man, I have great kids. I love them more than anything and I will do anything to make this a good life for them.

Car Crashes into Brigham

Over the weekend, a car crashed into the wall in front of the apartment building where I work. It was a spectacular crash with multiple explosions and a fire that took several hours to get out. Unfortunately, the two men in the car died instantly. They were estimated at going 80-100 mph when the hit the wall, so it is no surprise, however very sad.

A resident first alerted us to what happened. My co-worker, Andrew, and I had to look it up online to find the details I listed above. That is all we really know. It wasn't as if the police came and told us anything. We had to find this out on our own.

Ok, so the reason I am mentioning this is that for the last 2 days, we have had numerous people come ask us what happened. They have mostly been residents and they want to share what they saw with what we know. A few people though, like the UPS and FedEx delivery men, have wanted to know things like: why were they going so fast? Why didn't they turn? Who were they? and many other equally stupid questions. How on earth are we supposed to know this? Just because we manage the building they ran into, people think we have these details. It is getting harder and harder to answer people today. It was a terrible tragic accident and people want all the gory details, details we don't have. It is so sad.

Just thinking...

I was thinking this morning of my place in all the drama last night. I can't help but think that I started it all. I know I didn't make the choices of all these people, but I was the first pregnant girlfriend. I was the first dysfunctional marriage. I was the first divorce. I was the first bad example.
Would all of their lives have been different if I had made better choices? Could I have been a force of good if I had been strong enough to do the right thing right at the beginning? Could I have helped them see the light and happiness that I feel in the Temple?
I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past, but it still hurts to think of all the consequences of my choices back then. I can't help but think that I hurt a lot more people than I ever imagined, beyond my own family.
Well, the best thing I can do now is be an example of good, to help my children grow up knowing better and (hopefully) choosing a better path.

I have to vent...

Ok, so I never thought I would jump on the blog wagon, but I have to vent tonight and thought this would be the easiest forum.

I just got back from my ex-husband's mom's house. Ok, already complicated, but it gets so much worse. I took the kids over because grandma had some new coats for them and I wanted to have them for this weekend (first snow expected in valley, already). I never thought I would be entering into a soap opera, although I should expect it as it happens pretty much every time we go there.

We walk into a full house. Cynthia (ex's mom) neglected to tell me that it was also the night of Michaela's birthday party when I said I would come over. So baby turning one, and the guests included: Cynthia (grandma Smith), Austin & Kaitlyn (Michaela's mom & dad), Devin & Aleta & Daniella (Devin is 16 year old who just had baby Daniella with girlfriend Aleta), Scott (later joined with Stephanie, new girlfriend), Amanda & Miley (Miley is a little over one and Amanda is pregnant with little boy), Cassandra & Jason & Guilee (Guilee is Cassandra's daughter, Jason new husband, Cassandra is also pregnant), Michaela's other grandma & grandpa (Kaitlyn's parents), and lastly, Matt (with new girlfriend and son, didn't catch their names). Add myself and my 3 children, and it was total chaos.

Okay, so you probably already caught some of the drama, but let me go on. There were several things that were unveiled to me tonight. First, Matt's wife, Becca, has taken their 2 kids and emptied his house and is suing for EVERYTHING! She will not let him see kids and when she emptied the house, she even took all of Austin, Kaitlyn, and Michaela's things, as they are living in the basement. When I say she took everything, I mean even down to Michaela's clothes, sippy cups, and toys. Now Matt is dating new girl with a son younger than a year old.

Second, Cassandra is filing bankruptcy and moving into ex-husband Josh's new 6 bedroom house with new husband, Guilee, and soon new baby. Does anyone else see a problem with this??? It makes no sense to me at all.

Third, ex-husband is having major financial crisis (no surprise) but he is also thinking of bankruptcy, and currently pays current wife over $1000 per month for child support. I am so furious!! I was just getting used to the idea of him renting house with new girlfriend and her 3+ kids. Now I find out that the reason he can't help me with my kids' birthday parties is because he is paying so much to current wife, at least I think they are still married. The divorce is still pending last I heard but she got some crack judge to order all this back support. He is already swamped with their loans, evictions, and repo. All of this really wouldn't bother me except I let it slip to his mom that I needed to talk to him about the health care premiums he hasn't been helping me with (before I heard all this.) Now she wants me to lay off because he is stressed enough. AUGH!!!

There is more, but that is the worst part. No, actually the worst part is that because of all this drama, Annee is upstairs crying herself to sleep because she doesn't want to spend more time with the Smith's. She is so disappointed in loosing everyone and the choices they have made. I tried to tell her it was ok to be upset, but she needs to try to just love them and hate their actions as I try to do. I tried to tell her that she needed to try to spend time like she did tonight, laughing and playing and ignoring all the drama. It breaks my heart to see that she loves them so much but wants to cut all ties (her words.) She is already so upset that her dad spends more time with new girl's kids then his own. Now all this.

I try to keep in touch, but it keeps getting harder and harder. I still feel like they are family, but they are so dysfunctional it is hard to have my kids subjected to all the crap. They do have a good time when they are there, but I worry at what cost. Is is right to keep going there? Do I cut ties completely? How can I explain to the kids that this is not a good way to live? I tried to explain tonight how chaotic and sad their lives are because of choices they made, but still tried to enforce that they can love them and enjoy their time together. It's really hard when Ty and Dessa see nothing wrong with anything they are doing. I don't know how much they understand about what was going on, but the example of how they are all living is enough to scare me away. I am so torn as to what to do....

Anyway, I just knew that if I didn't get these thoughts out tonight I would never sleep. Thanks for letting a frustrated single mom rant. Good night.