I went with Annee today to meet her counselor Jamie. Annee has only met with her twice, but she likes her, which is good because we have been searching for a counselor for her since she got out of res. Jamie wanted to hear my view of the family dynamic, especially my relationship with Annee.
There is nothing more humbling than admitting your total inadequacy as a parent in front of your child, especially when you have been telling that child you want so much to fix things and make them better. But lying in therapy is not an option. What's the point? We both know how bad things are. But telling a perfect stranger that things are overall better in the house because each family member has their own corner of the house and pretty much stays there? Not the answer I want to give.
It's the truth though. I understand the kids much better after the past year. Learning Ty has Aspergher's was a huge step in knowing how to help him calm down in situations, or how to avoid them altogether. Learning how to communicate better with Annee by validating her feelings but not engaging with her or feeling I have to fix everything has helped a ton. Knowing Dessa craves attention more than anything makes things with her pretty easy.
The problem is using all this new found knowledge and getting my butt out of bed and doing something with it. Knowing these things doesn't do a bit of good when I am in my room all the time and the kids are all in their own "rooms". Admitting this to a stranger is gut wrenching.
But it was good. Annee and I had a good dialogue going on the way home. We were talking about some misconceptions she had about why I wanted to take control away from her. She was feeling so jealous of her friend Jesse because he was working, buying a fancy phone, playing all the time, and I was taking her "responsibility" away as he was getting more.
I explained that I was taking the "mom" responsibility away. I wanted her to do the exact same thing Jesse was doing. She brought up the fact that we argued every time she mentioned getting a job. When I said it was because she wanted to get a job to help contribute to the house, she didn't understand that this was the exact thing I was trying to take away from her. I would love it if she got a job. But to earn money for car insurance, gas for the car when she goes out with friends, fun clothes she wants for herself, saving for college, stuff like that. I don't want her to work to pay the house payment.
When I pointed this out, I think she finally understood how our points of view become such an obstruction in our relationship. She wants so much to be grown up and helpful. I let her know that while this is such an awesome trait, she needs to stop worrying about grown up things so much and worry about making her way in life. She needs to focus on the things that make her happy and be a normal happy teenager.
It was all going so well. That last sentence triggered a rush of tears and she started in on how she can't be a normal teenager, how whenever she tries everything blows up in her face. She started in on how a simple statement that was misunderstood when she returned to school has ruined her chances at making any friends. She said she decided to take the school counselors advice and tell the kids she was at rehab after overdosing during the summer.
Well, the kids took this to mean that she was a druggy. Then, she said that for some reason, because she was always sick in 9th grade and missed a lot of school, kids started saying she was pregnant. Then some started saying she was a terrorist because of how she never smiled and missed so much school all the time. So there is no chance of ever making friends because of the stupid mistakes she has made.
What does a mother say to that? It broke my heart. I had no idea that this was going on. I knew the terrorist rumor, but not the rest. It makes me want to just punch someone. My poor girl tries so hard to get ahead and all the things she dreamed about doing as a teenager are gone. I don't know how to help. I had to leave her to go back to work at that point, so I felt even worse.
All in all, a frustrating day. Good ideas and conversation but also heartbreaking and humbling at the same time. Days like this are what make me want to go to bed and not get up again. Not doing that though. I'm going to dad's to do my taxes tomorrow and he's going to help Annee with her debate case. I also need to meet with Cynthia and discuss summer plans. Oh, and I need to finish studying my Relief Society lesson for Sunday. No laying around in bed for me tomorrow.
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